Funny Things

Great Groucho Marx Lines


When I was young I would watch Groucho on TV and was always impressed with his quit retorts. Here are some of the funniest things he said over the years.

  • Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
  • I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Room service? Send up a larger room.
  • Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
  • He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  • A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  • You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
  • You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
  • A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  • Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
  • Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  • Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  • One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
  • There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
  • I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
  • I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
  • If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
  • I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
  • I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  • Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
  • Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
  • Women should be obscene and not heard.
  • Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
  • Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  • As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
  • Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
  • I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
  • Whatever it is I’m against it.
  • A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  • Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

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