Some Good Advice

For Young Men On There Way Up

  • You don’t have to keep every secret, just the important ones.
  • Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.
  • Appreciate your parents. When they die, you become an orphan.
  • It’s okay to forgive, as long as you don’t forget.
  • Never make a scene after the age of 22. This also applies when you’re drinking.
  • If you wear cologne, no one should smell it from five feet away or five minutes after you’ve left.
  • When giving a toast, short and sweet is always best.
  • Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
  • Suck it up every now and then, especially for your family.
  • Don’t stare.
  • Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain.
  • Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.
  • Admit it when you’re wrong, and forgive yourself for your mistakes.
  • If you offer to help, don’t quit until the job is done.
  • Know at least one good joke.
  • When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.
  • If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.
  • Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.
  • Never ask the same question twice.
  • Be kind. Life is hard enough as it is.
  • Know your way around a kitchen.
  • Set Goals. Write them down.
  • Stop talking about where you went to college.
  • Never park in front of a bar.
  • Play competitive sports for as long as you can.
  • Never date an ex of your friend.
  • If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
  • When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
  • If you perspire, wear an undershirt.
  • People get tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
  • When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
  • Tip more than you should.
  • Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.
  • Put your smartphone away. You probably use it too often and at the wrong moments.
  • Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
  • Value a handful of truly close friends over a hundred acquaintances.
  • No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a wonderful companion.
  • Don’t split a check.
  • When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
  • Do not use an electric razor.
  • One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
  • Buy expensive sunglasses.
  • You may only request one song from the DJ.
  • Remember: You die twice, once when you stop breathing, and again when somebody mentions your name for the last time.
  • Staying angry is a waste of energy.
  • Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
  • Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
  • Avoid that “last” drink. You’ve probably had enough.
  • Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.
  • Don’t linger in the doorway, in or out.
  • Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
  • You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
  • No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
  • Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
  • Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”
  • Act like you’ve been there before.
  • Don’t gamble any amount of money that will piss you off if you lose.

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them!!)

  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you … but it’s still on my list.
  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
  6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify…” I answered “a doctor.”
  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
  16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.