If not the best, he is probably one of the all-time funniest comedians to grace a stage.

• There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
• When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
• ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.
• I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.