- Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words were, ‘I like the idea of you, but I don’t like you.’ I still don’t know what that means.
- Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said ‘Did I say you could take a picture?’ He replied with, ‘No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?’ I turned around, and they were right behind me.
- Today, I didn’t get promoted, but the guy who showed up drunk to work a few weeks ago did.
- Today, I was teaching a ten-year-old how to play the piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down on my fingers.
- Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon.
- Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes and said, ‘You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street.
- Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall.
- Today, I fell asleep at a work and woke up with a penis sharpied onto my face. I’m a kindergarten teacher.
- Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam.
- Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday, I got my braces of six years removed.
- Today, it’s my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation.
- Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom.
- Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush.
- Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn’t at work, to which I responded, ‘Because you fired me yesterday.’ He didn’t say anything and hung up.
- Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42-year-old dad. Why? Because he was stealing candy.
- Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk
- Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home.
- Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of poop. I’ll never know if it got there before or after I crapped.
- Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me ‘Stop!’ The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth.
- Today, I realized it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realized taking a dump is more satisfying.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor, Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers. “Tell me! Did you find her?” Jones asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Jones said, “Give me the bad news first.” The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Jones. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What could possibly be the good news? The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters, that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. I haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Jones demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what is the great news?” The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
Very funny and gross at the same time.