Rules For Cats

Over the years we have had several cats. Therefore, I can say from experience that the rules below are followed pretty closely by most cats.

Rodney & BentleyBATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for hampering:

  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book — unless you can lie across the book itself.
  3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

WEEKEND BREAKFAST: If your human is still in bed when it is breakfast time, walk across their belly, then sit down and stare at their eyes. If they refuse to get up by pretending to still be asleep, start licking their eye lids with your raspy tongue. They will finally give in by hugging you for being so cute and get up to feed you. Be sure to follow the WALKING rule while they head for your feeding place.

THE BIG “O”: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget their guests.

The Best Things in Life

  1. Falling in love.
  2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
  3. A hot shower after a good workout.
  4. No lines at Costco.
  5. A special glance from someone special.
  6. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
  7. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
  8. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
  9. Hot towels out of the dryer.
  10. Finding that something you want is on sale for half price.
  11. A chocolate milkshake.
  12. Giggling.
  13. A good conversation.
  14. The beach.
  15. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
  16. Laughing at yourself.
  17. Late night phone calls that last for hours.
  18. Running through sprinklers.
  19. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
  20. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful or handsome.
  21. Laughing at an inside joke.
  22. Friends.
  23. Falling in love for the first time.
  24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
  25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
  26. Your first kiss.
  27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
  28. Playing with a new kitten or puppy.
  29. Sweet dreams.
  30. Hot chocolate.
  31. Road trips with friends.
  32. Swinging on swings.
  33. Watching a good movie with someone you love.
  34. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
  35. Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person.
  36. Making eye contact with an attractive stranger.
  37. Winning a really competitive game.
  38. Eating chocolate chip cookies!
  39. Having your friends send you homemade cookies!
  40. Spending time with close friends!
  41. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
  42. Holding hands with someone you care about.
  43. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
  44. Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.
  45. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
  46. Hugging the person you love.
  47. Watching the expression someone’s face as they open a much-desired present from you.
  48. Watching the sunrise.
  49. Getting out of bed every morning and being thankful for another beautiful day.
  50. Your dog running to you with a ball in its mouth when you return home.

Gracie