Love & Marriage – According To Kids

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other.” (Judy, 8)

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies,and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” Jan, 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes to long to learn.” (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ are on TV.” (Anita, 6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, “I LOVE YOU”:
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
“You learn it right on the spot, when the ‘gooshy’ feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)

“It might help if you watched soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)

Don’t forget your wife’s name…that will mess up the love.” (Roger,8)

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.” (Randy,8)

30 Jokes You May Have To Think About Twice

1.

“I think I am, therefore I am… I think.”

– George Carlin

2.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

– Joan Rivers

3.

“You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.”

– Zach Galifianakis

4.

‘I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.

-Bob Newhart

5.

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

– Oscar Wilde

6.

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

– Mark Twain

7.

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?” 

-Steven Wright

8.

“Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be”

– Unknown

9.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, ‘Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.’ She said, ‘We can’t do that!’ I told her, ‘You did it last week!’”

– Henny Youngman

10.

A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing but Mean Your Mother

Gary Blake

11.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

rd.com

12.

I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said “All right, fuck back on.”

-Mitch Hedberg

13.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

– Jack Handey

14.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

– Woody Allen

15.

 A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.“

-Rodney Dangerfield

16.

Dear algebra, 

stop asking us to find your X. she’s never coming back

– unknown

17.

“You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”

-Anthony Jeselnik

18.

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

– Demetri Martin

19.

There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

-Louis CK

20.

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.” 

– Dorothy Parker

21.

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” 

– Jon Stewart

22.

“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

– Steven Wright

23.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

– Unknown

24.

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

– Winston Churchill

25.

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

– Mark Twain

26.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

– unknown

27.

“People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I’m a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops in my eyes, I was talking on my cell phone, and I was getting hit by a car.”

– Doug Benson

28.

“If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.”

– Fran Leibowitz

29.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. 

– Phyllis Diller

30.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country, but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

-David Letterman