Some Things To Ponder

How important does a person have to be before
they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to “put your two cents in”..
But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”?
Where’s that extra penny going to?


Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck
wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon
before we figured out it would be a good idea
to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby”
when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court,
is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings
and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.


Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting
that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan’s Island
can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect
while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!


If corn oil is made from corn,
and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons,
does morality come from morons?


Why Do the Alphabet song
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid
when it’s outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid
when it’s in your butt?


Did you ever notice that
when you blow in a dog’s face,
he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?

Speeding Stop

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too