Immaculate Conception

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. James, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-about 4 months, would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”

Darla replies, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

The Escaped Prisoner

cartoon-prisoner

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous, if he gets angry he’ll kill us both.

Be strong, honey, I love you.”

To which the wife responded, “he wasn’t kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay and that he thought you were really cute. He then asked me if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom medicine cabinet on the top shelf.

Be strong, honey, I love you too.”