Clever Paraprosdokians

  • If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me very attractive.
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom – until they’re flashing behind you.
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I’m great at multi-tasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • Take my advice, I’m not using it.
  • Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
  • Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
  • Men say women should come with an instruction manual, but since when has any man stopped to read the instructions.
  • I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
  • If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The Middle Wife

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it into school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)’Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

Now you have two choices…laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone laugh.

Rules For Cats

Over the years we have had several cats. Therefore, I can say from experience that the rules below are followed pretty closely by most cats.

Rodney & BentleyBATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for hampering:

  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book — unless you can lie across the book itself.
  3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

WEEKEND BREAKFAST: If your human is still in bed when it is breakfast time, walk across their belly, then sit down and stare at their eyes. If they refuse to get up by pretending to still be asleep, start licking their eye lids with your raspy tongue. They will finally give in by hugging you for being so cute and get up to feed you. Be sure to follow the WALKING rule while they head for your feeding place.

THE BIG “O”: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget their guests.