Benefits of Growing Older

 

  • In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
  • It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  • People call at 9:00 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  • You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You got cable TV for the weather channel.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You send money to PBS.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You talk about “good grass”, and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your ears are hairier than your head.
  • Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size

 

Rules For Cats

Over the years we have had several cats. Therefore, I can say from experience that the rules below are followed pretty closely by most cats.

Rodney & BentleyBATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for hampering:

  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book — unless you can lie across the book itself.
  3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

WEEKEND BREAKFAST: If your human is still in bed when it is breakfast time, walk across their belly, then sit down and stare at their eyes. If they refuse to get up by pretending to still be asleep, start licking their eye lids with your raspy tongue. They will finally give in by hugging you for being so cute and get up to feed you. Be sure to follow the WALKING rule while they head for your feeding place.

THE BIG “O”: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget their guests.

Actual Answering Machine Messages

answering machine

  • “A” is for academics, “B” is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
  • Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
  • (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
  • The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
  • Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
  • Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
  • I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
  • Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP
  • (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device… You have reached, “The Twilight Phone”.
  • You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
  • (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
  • You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
  • Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.