With Age Comes Wisdom


15 Things It Took Me 60 Years to Learn

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist. He is also famous for his humorous quotes about things he has learned over the years.

Here are some of Dave Barry’s pearls of wisdom you should find amusing, yet useful.

  1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.“
  3. There is a very fine line between ”hobby” and “mental illness.”
  4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  7. Never lick a steak knife.
  8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
  11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
  12. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. Never fails.)
  13. Your friends love you anyway.
  14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
  15. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Old Occupations You Probably Haven’t Heard Of

  • Accomptant — Accountant
  • Almoner — Giver of charity to the needy
  • Amanuensis — Secretary or stenographer
  • Artificer — A soldier mechanic who does repairs
  • Bailie — Bailiff
  • Baxter — Baker
  • Bluestocking — Female writer
  • Boniface — Keeper of an inn
  • Brazier — One who works with brass
  • Brewster — Beer manufacturer
  • Brightsmith — Metal Worker
  • Burgonmaster — Mayor
  • Caulker — One who filled up cracks (in ships or windows or seems to them watertight by using tar or oakum-hemp fiber produced by taking old ropes apart
  • Chaisemaker — Carriage maker
  • Chandler — Dealer or trader; one who makes or sells candles; retailer of groceries
  • Chiffonnier — Wig maker
  • Clark — Clerk
  • Clerk — Clergyman, cleric
  • Clicker — The servant of a salesman who stood at the door to invite customers; one who received the matter in the galley from the compositors and arranged it in due form ready for printing; one who makes eyelet holes in boots using a machine which clicked.
  • Cohen — Priest (descendant of Levi)
  • Collier — Coal miner
  • Colporteur — Peddler of books
  • Cooper — One who makes or repairs vessels made of staves and hoops, such as casks, barrels, tubs, etc.
  • Cordwainer — Shoemaker, originally any leather worker using leather from Cordova/Cordoba in Spain
  • Costermonger — Peddler of fruits and vegetables
  • Crocker — Potter
  • Crowner — Coroner
  • Currier — One who dresses the coat of a horse with a currycomb; one who tanned leather by incorporating oil or grease
  • Docker Stevedore, dock worker who loads and unloads cargo
  • Dowser — One who finds water using a rod or witching stick
  • Draper — A dealer in dry goods
  • Drayman — One who drives a long strong cart without fixed sides for carrying heavy loads
  • Dresser — A surgeon’s assistant in a hospital
  • Drover — One who drives cattle, sheep, etc. to market; a dealer in cattle
  • Duffer — Peddler
  • Factor — Agent, commission merchant; one who acts or transacts business for another; Scottish steward or bailiff of an estate Farrier A blacksmith, one who shoes horses
  • Faulkner — Falconer
  • Fell monger — One who removes hair or wool from hides in preparation for leather making
  • Fletcher — One who made bows and arrows
  • Fuller — One who fulls cloth;one who shrinks and thickens woolen cloth by moistening, heating, and pressing; one who cleans and finishes cloth
  • Gaoler — A keeper of the goal, a jailer
  • Glazier — Window glassman
  • Hacker — Maker of hoes
  • Hatcheler — One who combed out or carded flax
  • Haymonger — Dealer in hay
  • Hayward — Keeper of fences
  • Higgler — Itinerant peddler
  • Hillier — Roof tiler
  • Hind — A farm laborer
  • Hostler — A groom who took care of horses, often at an inn
  • Hooker — Reaper
  • Hooper — One who made hoops for casks and barrels
  • Huckster — Sells small wares
  • Husbandman — A farmer who cultivated the land
  • Jagger — Fish peddler
  • Journeyman — One who had served his apprenticeship and mastered his craft, not bound to serve a master, but hired by the day
  • Joyner / Joiner A skilled carpenter
  • Keeler — Bargeman
  • Kempster — Wool comber
  • Lardner — Keeper of the cupboard
  • Lavender — Washer woman
  • Lederer — Leather maker
  • Leech — Physician
  • Longshoreman — Stevedore
  • Lormer — Maker of horse gear
  • Malender — Farmer
  • Maltster — Brewer
  • Manciple — A steward
  • Mason — Bricklayer
  • Mintmaster — One who issued local currency
  • Monger — Seller of goods (ale, fish)
  • Muleskinner — Teamster
  • Neatherder — Herds cows
  • Ordinary Keeper — Innkeeper with fixed prices
  • Pattern Maker — A maker of a clog shod with an iron ring. A clog was a wooden pole with a pattern cut into the end
  • Peregrinator Itinerant wanderer
  • Peruker — A wig maker
  • Pettifogger — A shyster lawyer
  • Pigman — Crockery dealer
  • Plumber — One who applied sheet lead for roofing and set lead frames for plain or stained glass windows.
  • Porter — Door keeper
  • Puddler — Wrought iron worker
  • Quarrier — Quarry worker
  • Rigger — Hoist tackle worker
  • Ripper — Seller of fish
  • Roper — Maker of rope or nets
  • Saddler — One who makes, repairs or sells saddles or other furnishings for horses
  • Sawbones — Physician
  • Sawyer — One who saws; carpenter
  • Schumacker — Shoemaker
  • Scribler — A minor or worthless author
  • Scrivener — Professional or public copyist or writer; notary public
  • Scrutiner — Election judge
  • Shrieve — Sheriff
  • Slater — Roofer
  • Slopseller — Seller of ready-made clothes in a slop shop
  • Snobscat/Snob — One who repaired shoes
  • Sorter — Tailor
  • Spinster — A woman who spins or an unmarried woman
  • Spurrer — Maker of spurs
  • Squire — Country gentleman; farm owner; justice of peace
  • Stuff gown — Junior barrister
  • Stuff gownsman — Junior barrister
  • Supercargo — Officer on merchant ship who is in charge of cargo and the commercial concerns of the ship
  • Tanner — One who tans (cures) animal hides into leather
  • Tapley — One who puts the tap in an ale cask
  • Tasker — Reaper
  • Teamster — One who drives a team for hauling
  • Thatcher — Roofer
  • Tide waiter — Customs inspector
  • Tinker — An itinerant tin pot and pan seller and repairman
  • Tipstaff — Policeman
  • Travers — Toll bridge collection
  • Tucker — Cleaner of cloth goods
  • Turner — A person who turns wood on a lathe into spindles
  • Victualer — A tavern keeper, or one who provides an army, navy, or ship with food
  • Vulcan — Blacksmith
  • Wagoner — Teamster not for hire
  • Wainwright — Wagon maker
  • Waiter — Customs officer or tide waiter; one who waited on the tide to collect duty on goods brought in
  • Waterman — Boatman who plies for hire
  • Webster — Operator of looms
  • Wharfinger — Owner of a wharf
  • Wheelwright — One who made or repaired wheels; wheeled carriages, etc.
  • Whitesmith — Tinsmith; worker of iron who finishes or polishes the work
  • Whitewing — Street sweeper
  • Whitster — Bleach of cloth
  • Wright — Workman, especially a construction worker
  • Yeoman — Farmer who owns his own land

Why The Chicken Crossed The Road


To get to the other side.


For the greater good.


It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.


It was an historical inevitability.


This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.


The road, you see, represents the black man.  The chicken “crossed” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.


I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.”  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?


The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.


The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.


Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”


The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.


The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”  Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”


Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.


Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.


Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.


The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.


To die.  In the rain.


It was an instinctive maneuver.  The chicken obviously didn’t see the road until he had already started to cross.


The chicken did NOT cross the road.  Not a single time.  Never.  (It was a boulevard.)


I missed one?