You Might Be a Democrat – IF!

Larry Thornberry is a writer in Tampa who writes for The American Spectator.




With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy for appropriating his form, I submit what I hope is a useful guide for those who aren’t exactly sure which American political party they should identify with. Please take this discriminating test before Nov. 3. It should clarify things for you.

  • If you believe America is systemically racist and all white Americans should engage in abject mea culpas, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe Buffy and Skylar should be able to idle at university for years in order to earn a degree in vegetarian studies at taxpayer expense, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe the mainstream news media are objective purveyors of truth and speak truth to power, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe Donald Trump is a racist and Al Sharpton is a civil rights leader, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe the COVID virus spreads promiscuously at church services but not during urban riots, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe national borders are racist and xenophobic and anyone who wishes to crash our gates should be escorted directly to the nearest supervisor of elections office to register to vote before picking up a welfare check, six months’ worth of food stamps, and a certificate of citizenship, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you think Joe Biden knows how to cure America’s ills and are not curious why in eight years he never told Barack Obama, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe police officers should be treated as criminals and criminals treated as victims, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe Joe Biden’s professed Catholicism is a résumé builder, but Amy Coney Barrett’s is a disqualifier, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe the recent slight warming of the planet is a threat to our very existence rather than just part of the up and down cycles that have occurred as long as the planet has existed, and that somehow politicians and bureaucrats could devise a planetary thermostat so that all parts of Earth will be at the proper temperature, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe a six-foot-tall person with an X and Y chromosome, a five o’clock shadow at three o’clock, and Adam’s apple the size if a real apple can get up one morning feeling girlish, sing a couple of choruses of “I feel pretty,” and bingo, he’s a she, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe history can and should be adjusted to suit current progressive fads, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you wish to abolish the police and replace them with social workers, psychotherapists, and yoga instructors, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe that “endangered” worms, bugs, and plants should be saved at all costs but unborn human children are expendable, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, and anyplace else that promises two more Democrat senators until the end of time should become states, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe small business owners should be obliged to pay a 16-year-old $600 a week ($15 times 40) to sweep the floors, you may be a Democrat.
  • If you think professors and various government experts can organize your life and make all your important decisions better than you can, you may be a Democrat.
  • If you believe anyone making more money than you do should pay more in taxes so you can enjoy your fair share of what he has worked for, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you think conservative, straight, white males are the cause of every bad thing that has happened in the history of the world, and they should be cast into outer darkness, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you think personal liberty, including freedom of speech, is so 20th century, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe every trace of religiosity must be scrubbed from the public square, to be replaced by any crackpot political philosophy that comes down the pike, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe men and women are interchangeable, just undifferentiated persons, and that women make just as good warriors as men, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe the riots, arson, looting, and shooting in Portland, Seattle, and Minneapolis were caused by Donald Trump while the mayors, city council members, police chiefs, and prosecutors in those cities were just innocent bystanders, then you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe felons, who can’t be bothered to obey the law, should vote to determine who makes and administers those laws, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe wind and solar can replace fossil fuels as a reliable and relatively inexpensive source of energy, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe Black Lives Matter, not the unassailable sentiment but the Marxist organization, really just wants equity between the races rather than revolution, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe all health care, as well as anything anyone can decide that they need, or just want, should be provided to all at taxpayers’ expense, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe the United Nations is a serious organization that has promoted world peace and its resolutions carry more weight than a note passed in study hall, you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe blocking roads, throwing rocks and bottles at police and civilians, starting fires, looting, and intimidating anyone you don’t think shares your mania is a “mostly peaceful protest,” you might be a Democrat.
  • If you believe law-abiding citizens are too incompetent and irresponsible to own guns and that taking guns away from them will do something positive about reducing gun violence, you might be a Democrat.

If you’ve answered yes to two or more of the above, you ARE a Democrat. And God help us all.

The list, by the way, is selective rather than exhaustive. There are plenty of other indicators but I had to stop somewhere. And the point should be clear enough by now.

The current Democrat Party is where the rubber meets the sky. And if you don’t believe that, you might be a Democrat.

The Difference Between Me and Democrats

The difference between me and Democrats that I know.

  • They see Trump’s arrogance, I see Trump’s confidence.
  • They see Trump’s nationalism, I see Trump’s patriotism.
  • They hear Trump’s unsophisticated words, I hear Trump’s honesty.
  • They see Trump’s racism, I see Trump’s words being misconstrued and twisted by the media daily to fit their narrative.
  • They see Trump as a Republican, I see Trump as a Patriot.
  • They see Trump as a dictator, I see Trump as a leader.
  • They see Trump as an Authoritarian, I see Trump as the only one willing to fight for our freedoms.
  • They see Trump as childish, I see Trump as a fighter, unwilling to cave in to their constant lies.
  • They see Trump as an unpolished politician, I see Trump as a breath of fresh air.
  • They think Trump hates immigrants, I know Trump is married to an immigrant.
  • They see Trump putting an end to immigration in America, I see Trump welcoming immigrants to America LEGALLY.
  • They see Trump’s cages at the border, I see Obama’s cages at the border because he is the one that had them built.
  • They see Trump with a struggling economy, I see Trump with an amazing economy until the Democrats shut it down.
  • They see the violence in the streets and call it “Trump’s America”, I see the violence in the streets of Democrat-run cities who are refusing Trump’s help and call it “Liberal America.”
  • They want someone more Presidential, I’m happy we have someone who finally doesn’t just talk the talk but actually walks the walk.

Yes, we both see things very differently.

Friendly Q & A Regarding Police Harassment

This is pretty amusing…

A while ago, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, “Community Policing.”

One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question, “I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?”

Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:

“First of all, let me tell you this…it’s not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as “patrol”) where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them to contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

The tools available to us are as follows:

  • PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. “My neighbor is beating his wife” is a code phrase used often. This means we’ll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
    Another popular one: “There’s a guy breaking into a house.” The harassment team is then put into action.
  • CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver’s licenses, and the like. It’s lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
  • RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
  • STATUTES: When we don’t have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called “Statutes”; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc…They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there’s this book we have that says that’s not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It’s a cool system that we’ve set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to “harass” some people.

The next time you are in my town, give me the old “single finger wave.” That’s another one of those codes. It means, “You can’t harass me.” It’s one of our favorites.