20 Funny Quotes

  1. I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. – Unknown
  2. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Unknown
  3. I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me. – Unknown
  4. If you say you’re cooler than me…Does that make me hotter than you? – Unknown
  5. Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don’t know dear… You’ll have to ask grandma. – Unknown
  6. I dream of a better tomorrow… where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned. – Unknown
  7. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. – Unknown
  8. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Unknown
  9. He who laughs last didn’t get it. – Unknown
  10. My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said “at the end of this ruler is and idiot!” I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to. – Unknown
  11. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. -Hank Aaron
  12. I have strong feeling about gun control. If there’s a gun around, I want to be controlling it. -Clint Eastwood
  13. A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink. -W.C. Fields
  14. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree that makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad. – Unknown
  15. Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely. – Unknown
  16. What happens if you get scared half to death twice??? – Tara
  17. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. – Rami Belson
  18. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde
  19. One possible reason that I don’t believe in fate is that I wasn’t fated to. – Ashleigh Brilliant
  20. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. – Steve Martin

20 Life Changing Lessons From Confucius

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  1. “Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself.”
  2. “To see and listen to the wicked is already the beginning of wickedness.”
  3. “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”
  4. “To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.”
  5. “Forget those who have wronged you, but never those who have done you good.“
  6. “The Superior Man is aware of Righteousness, the inferior man is aware of advantage.”
  7. “The superior man cannot be known in little matters, but he may be entrusted with great concerns. The small man may not be entrusted with great concerns, but he may be known in little matters.”
  8. “When you see a worthy person, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy person, then examine your inner self.”
  9. “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”
  10. “He who wished to secure the good of others, has already secured his own.”
  11. “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.”
  12. “What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.”
  13. “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
  14. “In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.”
  15. “Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.”
  16. “The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large.”
  17. “When things are investigated, then true knowledge is achieved; when true knowledge is achieved, then the will becomes sincere; when the will is sincere, then the heart is set right ; when the heart is set right, then the personal life is cultivated; when the personal life is cultivated, then the family life is regulated; when the family life is regulated, then the national life is orderly; and when the national life is orderly, then there is peace in this world.”
  18. “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
  19. “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance. When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it – this is knowledge.”
  20. “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”