The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So, I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness, and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, and stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it into school and talk about it, they’re welcome.
Well, one day, this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn. She walked to the front of the class and then stood there holding a small pillow in front of her tummy.
She then quickly stuffed it under her shirt and pulled out a snapshot of an infant literally out of nowhere and held it out in front of her.
‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’
‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’
She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom started going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now, this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)’Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.
They started counting but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from Mom’s play center, so there must have been a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.’
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and returned to her seat.
I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone laugh.