Steven Wright Quotes

You used to see Steven Wright regularly on variety shows and the late-night circuit. He is a very funny and clever comedian. Here is a comprehensive list of things he has said over the years:

  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
  • Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
  • Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
  • “Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”
  • My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
  • My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
  • Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  • When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
  • When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
  • You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  • If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
  • I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
  • I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes”.
  • My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
  • I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”
  • I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
  • I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
    everybody on the list.
  • How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
  • Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…
  • Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
  • I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
  • There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
  • It only rains straight down. God doesn’t do windows.
  • The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
  • I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Selected Albert Einstein Quotes

albert-einstein

  • “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.”
  • “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
  • “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
  • “I want to know God’s thoughts; the rest are details.”
  • “The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”
  • “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
  • “The only real valuable thing is intuition.”
  • “A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
  • “I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice.”
  • “God is subtle but he is not malicious.”
  • “Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.”
  • “I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.”
  • “The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.”
  • “Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.”
  • “Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”
  • “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
  • “Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.”
  • “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.”
  • “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”
  • “Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.”
  • “The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
  • “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”
  • “God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically.”
  • “The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.”
  • “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.”
  • “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”
  • “The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.”
  • “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
  • “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”
  • “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”
  • “Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.”
  • “Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity.”
  • “If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”
  • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.”
  • “As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”
  • “Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.”
  • “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
  • “In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.”
  • “The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.”
  • “Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.”
  • “Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how passionately I hate them!”
  • “No, this trick won’t work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”
  • “My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.”
  • “Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.”
  • “The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking…the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.”
  • “Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.”
  • “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”
  • “A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.”
  • “The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.”
  • “Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”
  • “You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”
  • “One had to cram all this stuff into one’s mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year.”
  • “…one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one’s own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.”
  • “He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.”
  • “A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
  • “Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.” (Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton)

Copyright: Kevin Harris 1995 (may be freely distributed with this acknowledgement)