So, You Think You’re Having A Bad Day
- Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words were, ‘I like the idea of you, but I don’t like you.’ I still don’t know what that means.
- Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it and said, ‘Did I say you could take a picture?’ He replied, ‘No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?’ I turned around, and they were right behind me.
- Today, I didn’t get promoted, but the guy who showed up drunk to work a few weeks ago did.
- Today, I was teaching a ten-year-old how to play the piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down on my fingers.
- Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon.
- Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes and said, ‘You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street.
- Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring through the wall.
- Today, I fell asleep at work and woke up with a penis sharpied onto my face. I’m a kindergarten teacher.
- Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied, saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam.
- Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday, I got my braces of six years removed.
- Today, it’s my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation.
- Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom.
- Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush.
- Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn’t at work, to which I responded, ‘Because you fired me yesterday.’ He didn’t say anything and hung up.
- Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42-year-old dad. Why? Because he was stealing candy.
- Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk
- Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home.
- Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that a cockroach was struggling feebly in the pile of poop. I’ll never know if it got there before or after I crapped.
- Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me, ‘Stop!’ The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth.
- Today, I realized it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realized taking a dump is more satisfying.