Rules For Cats

Over the years we have had several cats.

Therefore, I can say from experience that the rules below are followed pretty closely by most cats.

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on your hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for hampering:

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book — unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. When a human is working at a computer, jump up on the desk, then walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen, and then lay in the human’s lap across their arms, to hamper any typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

WEEKEND BREAKFAST: If your human is still in bed when it is breakfast time, walk across their belly, then sit down and stare at their eyes. If they refuse to get up by pretending to still be asleep, start licking their eyelids with your raspy tongue. They will finally give in by hugging you for being so cute and get up to feed you. Be sure to follow the WALKING rule while they head for your feeding place.

THE BIG “O”: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and put your butt in their face. Humans love this, so do it often. Also, don’t forget their guests.