Some Good Advice

For Young Men On Their Way Up

Take head. I’ve been on this planet a very long time, and this advice served me well as I climbed corporate ladders and dealt with the world in general.

• You don’t have to keep every secret, just the important ones.
• Place-dropping is worse than name-dropping.
• Appreciate your parents. When they die, you become an orphan.
• It’s okay to forgive as long as you don’t forget.
• Never make a scene after the age of 22. This also applies when you’re drinking.
• If you wear cologne, no one should smell it from five feet away or five minutes after you’ve left.
• When giving a toast, short and sweet is always best.
• Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
• Suck it up every so often, especially for your family.
• Don’t stare.
• Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain.
• Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.
• Admit it when you’re wrong, and forgive yourself for your mistakes.
• If you offer to help, don’t quit until the job is done.
• Know at least one good joke.
• When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.
• If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.
• Yes, of course, you have to buy her dinner.
• Never ask the same question twice.
• Be kind. Life is hard enough as it is.
• Know your way around a kitchen.
• Set Goals. Write them down.
• Stop talking about where you went to college.
• Never park in front of a bar.
• Play competitive sports for as long as you can.
• Never date an ex of your friend.
• If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
• When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
• If you perspire, wear an undershirt.
• People get tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
• When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
• Tip more than you should.
• Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.
• Put your smartphone away. You probably use it too often and at the wrong moments.
• Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
• Value a handful of truly close friends over a hundred acquaintances.
• No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a wonderful companion.
• Don’t split a check.
• When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
• Do not use an electric razor.
• One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
• Buy expensive sunglasses.
• You may only request one song from the DJ.
• Remember: You die twice, once when you stop breathing and again when somebody mentions your name for the last time.
• Staying angry is a waste of energy.
• Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
• Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
• Avoid that “last” drink. You’ve probably had enough.
• Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.
• Don’t linger in the doorway, in or out.
• Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
• You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
• No one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
• Hookers aren’t cool but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
• Don’t ever say, “It is what it is.”
• Act like you’ve been there before.
• Don’t gamble any amount of money that will piss you off if you lose.