Some Funny Quotes
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) – Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’-
- Eleanor Roosevelt – I had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘Not good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
- Mark Twain – Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- George Burns – The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.
- Victor Borge – Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Mark Twain – Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Socrates – By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Groucho Marx – I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Jimmy Durante – My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor – I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Alex Levine – Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Rodney Dangerfield – My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Joe Namath – Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Bob Hope – I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- W. C. Fields – I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- Will Rogers – We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Winston Churchill – Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Phyllis Diller – Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Billy Crystal – By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
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