Little Billy And His Model Train

A few days after Christmas, little Billy’s mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and Billy said, “All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

Little Billy’s mother went nuts and told her him, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, little Billy comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little Billy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As his mother began to smile, little Billy added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen.”

A Norwegian Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company Comes To The Rescue

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65 and to everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is to fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

Red Skelton’s Recipe For The Perfect Marriage

Comedian Red Skelton is shown with his wife, Lothian, in this December, 1976 file photo from the Rose Parade in Pasadena, Calif. Skelton died after a long illness Wednesday morning, Sept. 17, 1997, at Eisenhower Medical Center in Rancho Mirage, Calif. He was 84. (AP Photo/Wally Fong)

  • Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  • We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
  • My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
  • She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  • She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”.
  • Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”.
I was just a kid back then, but I can hear him say all of these in my mind’s eye.
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four-letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And best of all, he always ended his programs with the words, “And May God Bless” with a big smile on his face.