Red Skelton’s Recipe For The Perfect Marriage

Comedian Red Skelton is shown with his wife, Lothian, in this December, 1976 file photo from the Rose Parade in Pasadena, Calif. Skelton died after a long illness Wednesday morning, Sept. 17, 1997, at Eisenhower Medical Center in Rancho Mirage, Calif. He was 84. (AP Photo/Wally Fong)

  • Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  • We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
  • My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
  • She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  • She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”.
  • Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”.
I was just a kid back then, but I can hear him say all of these in my mind’s eye.
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four-letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And best of all, he always ended his programs with the words, “And May God Bless” with a big smile on his face.

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