Funny Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’-
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
Joe Namath
<><>
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
<><>
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal