Actual Answering Machine Messages

answering machine

  • “A” is for academics, “B” is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
  • Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
  • (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
  • The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
  • Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
  • Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
  • I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
  • Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP
  • (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device… You have reached, “The Twilight Phone”.
  • You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
  • (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
  • You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
  • Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Niagara Falls Frozen Over

My wife and I have been to Niagara Falls twice, once in the summer and once in the dead of winter. The winter was beautiful because of the ice formations, but the falls were not frozen.

FYI – The flow of water was stopped completely over both falls on March 29th 1848 due to an ice jam in the upper river for several hours. This is the only known time to have occurred. The Falls did not actually freeze over, but the flow was stopped to the point where people actually walked out and recovered artifacts from the riverbed!

Niagrafalls