You used to see Steven Wright regularly on variety shows and the late-night circuit. He is a very funny and clever comedian. Here is a comprehensive list of things he has said over the years:
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes”.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
It only rains straight down. God doesn’t do windows.
The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
