Observations Of An Old Fart

I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.
A WISE MAN ONCE SAID NOTHING.
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.
WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS “1” FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?
WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL; WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.
BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL HE DID WRONG.
INSTEAD OF “SINGLE” AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER “INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED”.
PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.
LET’S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.
VEGETARIAN: AN ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!
I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK….”REALLY? THAT’S THE SPERM THAT WON?”
IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.
IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.
CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.
IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.
MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD….
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

Fatherly Advice and Rants