Observations Of An Old Fart

  • I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.

  • A WISE MAN ONCE SAID NOTHING.

  • RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

  • WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS “1” FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?

  • WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL; WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

  • BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL HE DID WRONG.

  • INSTEAD OF “SINGLE” AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER “INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED”.

  • PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.

  • LET’S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

  • VEGETARIAN: AN ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!

  • I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK….”REALLY? THAT’S THE SPERM THAT WON?”

  • IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

  • IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.

  • CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

  • IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

  • MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD….

  • SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

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