Funny Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’-
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal

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