Steven Wright Quotes

You used to see Steven Wright regularly on variety shows and the late-night circuit. He is a very funny and clever comedian. Here is a comprehensive list of things he has said over the years:

  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
  • Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
  • Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
  • “Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”
  • My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
  • My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
  • Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  • When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
  • When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
  • You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  • If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
  • I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
  • I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes”.
  • My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
  • I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”
  • I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
  • I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
    everybody on the list.
  • How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
  • Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…
  • Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
  • I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
  • There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
  • It only rains straight down. God doesn’t do windows.
  • The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
  • I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
    back.I

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