Benefits of Growing Older

 

  • In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
  • It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  • People call at 9:00 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  • You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You got cable TV for the weather channel.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You send money to PBS.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You talk about “good grass”, and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your ears are hairier than your head.
  • Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size

 

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