20 Funny Quotes

  1. I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. – Unknown
  2. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Unknown
  3. I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me. – Unknown
  4. If you say you’re cooler than me…Does that make me hotter than you? – Unknown
  5. Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don’t know dear… You’ll have to ask grandma. – Unknown
  6. I dream of a better tomorrow… where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned. – Unknown
  7. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. – Unknown
  8. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Unknown
  9. He who laughs last didn’t get it. – Unknown
  10. My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said “at the end of this ruler is and idiot!” I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to. – Unknown
  11. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. -Hank Aaron
  12. I have strong feeling about gun control. If there’s a gun around, I want to be controlling it. -Clint Eastwood
  13. A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink. -W.C. Fields
  14. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree that makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad. – Unknown
  15. Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely. – Unknown
  16. What happens if you get scared half to death twice??? – Tara
  17. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. – Rami Belson
  18. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde
  19. One possible reason that I don’t believe in fate is that I wasn’t fated to. – Ashleigh Brilliant
  20. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. – Steve Martin

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